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Dear Ami :: July Edition::

Thank you to all my fans that have written to me over the course of the month, I hope you find comfort in my advice. I am proud to present my first edition of Dear Ami.


Dear Ami,

I, (?? y..o.) male, just don't know what to do. It seems as if I'm always distracted. Visions of madness and sins of the flesh seem to take me every moment that I'm awake. When I see them walking about it's as if they're teasing me with such an alluring dance. Every movement a small unknowing vexing dance that captivates me. More than anything I seek to control, like caging a beautiful songbird.

What's truly beautiful is to hear their begging, crying, and pleading cries that eventually betray them, just like their bodies betray them. Every movement, every motion, turns from resistance to obedience slowly within my grasp. It's so tantalizing.

My problem is... I always want more, like feeding a burning roaring blaze within me. It never seems to be enough and so much control. To think... if you had felt it once, that complete immaculate power over another... what would you give it up for? A moment in a cell, a month, a year, a lifetime? The problem is you could never give it up once you've tasted it. It intoxicates you and flows through your veins like a sickeningly sweet poison.

Forever wanting,

A new fan,

Sinister Desires.


Dear Sinister Desires,

It is uncertain if you are being serious, or speaking metaphorically, but in either case, it would seem you have way too much idle time on your hands. I’d highly suggest you get a pet, a young one (such as a kitten) that will consume your time. Take your time walking it, feeding it, training it—focus your attention on something constructive to help ease the carnal lust that you feel is consuming you.

Sincerely,

Ami


 

Dear Ami,

When I was growing up there was NOTHING wrong with a man working and a woman staying at home. When I was growing up there was NOTHING wrong with a man making a joke or two. When I was growing up there was NOTHING wrong. PERIOD!

Now we've got every group under the sun clamoring for attention and screaming bloody murder when they don't get enough. Even the hospital keeps running commercials with a lady, lesbian, she slash her, "doctor" because that's just what the health care system needed.

So the whole country thinks that how things were when I was growing up is automatically terrible. What's your advice for a traditional man living in Santa Ramona Valley?

Signed,

Last MAN Standing


Dear Last MAN Standing,

Do not give up who you are. Chivalry is still needed, even if it seems unwanted. There are still traditional women out there, who expect the man to pick up the bill, to hold the door open for her, and to make sure she gets in safe after a late night. Besides, being a traditional man, when did it really matter what everyone else thought anyways? Stand your ground and go after what you want. Just because some voices are louder than others, does not make them any more important than your own.

Sincerely,

Ami

 

Dear Ami,

Why is the sky blue?

-Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

Because its sad that its so far away from you.

Sincerely,

Ami

 

Dear Ami,

There is a rapist running around Santa Ramona who seems to be after me. I don't know how to shake him. I've tried staying with my boyfriend and he found me there, so now I'm underground in a safehouse, but I'm too scared to go literally anywhere else. What do I do?

-Sca

Dear Scared,

I am truly sorry to hear you are experiencing this, I do hope you have filed a police report, and if not, do so immediately and get a rape test done. In addition, I’d suggest taking a self-defense class, you can sign up at the Apoge Warrior Boxing Club, and perhaps learning to shoot a gun in case the guy doesn't get the hint that you shouldn't be messed with. There are some places that sell anti-rape kits that will turn a penis into minced meat, you do what you have to do!

Sincerely,

Ami

 

Dear Ami,

I'm so excited to see someone is getting married! What is the ideal amount to spend on a wedding gift? Inquiring minds want to know! She hasn't put up a registry and I was hoping you could maybe help out on ideas for a gift.

Wedding soon!

-Xander


Dear Xander,

According to Vogue, the minimum wedding gift you can get away with is $50 to $75. Though honestly, it really depends on how well you know the person, and if they are family. Family members pay more or get more sentimental gifts, while friends and acquaintances typically spend less and resort to gift cards or cash. I fully believe in practicality, get something that really could be of use, many people end up with a truck load of useless gadgets that sit in the box forever, or re-gifted. Be practical.

Sincerely,

Ami