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The Santa Ramona Chronicles

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Brazen Agent Assassination on High Noon

By Neo Anderson, Santa Ramona Valley Chronicles staff reporter Saturday morning in Santa Ramona Valley started like many others. The temperature was perfectly hovering in the lower 70s and the skies were dotted with a few fluffy clouds. Beachgoers were splashing in the ocean and puppies were straining at the ends of their leashes. Little did anyone know that High Street was about to become the resting place of two of the Feds Finest.

Discovered outside the residential entrance at 13 High Street, the building that houses That’s No Moon comics and café, two bodies were discovered in the driver and passenger seats of a vehicle parked on the street. The two victims, the identities of whom have yet to be released, are believed to be agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. At the time of this release, the Chronicle has received no comment from the Bureau as to what the agents were doing in Santa Ramona Valley at the time of the cold-blooded murder.

What is known is that the agents were found in an unmarked, cherry red police vehicle. The blood spattered inside was a deeper shade, but nearly matched the paint of the car. There were two victims, who appeared to have suffered gunshot wounds to the head. The scene of the crime was graphic, the heads of the victims suffering massive trauma. A coroner’s report is pending at the time of this printing. The Chronicle was on the scene to witness the police response. Shell casings collected at the scene looked like shotgun shells. The Chronicle was able to interview a witness to the crime, one Ms. Kat Malone. Ms. Malone was visibly shaken as she answered questions about the double-homicide as posed by the officer on the scene. The witness was present for the murders, uncertain as to how many shots were fired but estimating the perpetrator fired four to six rounds. She stated that he approached the vehicle and shot both agents with no warning. He escaped on foot and is still at large. She described the perpetrator as male, wearing all black. It appears he left the scene carrying the murder weapon, which is believed to have been a shot gun. An official press release from the Police Department is pending. The Chronicles and the Santa Ramona Police Department would advise the public at large to be ever vigilant. Anyone with information related to this or any other unsolved murder in Santa Ramona Valley is encouraged to contact the local Police Department. The citizens of Santa Ramona Valley are advised to be aware this suspect is at large and considered armed and dangerous. Ms. Kat Malone, when approached for a comment stated, “. . . The people of this town are insane. I just cannot believe how cold that man was. No regard whatsoever for human life.”