Aries - Your too stubborn for your own good. Rub one off in the bathroom at the gas station and you'll find true love.
Taurus - Not only are you a bull, but a bully. Let your true self be free. Kick some rich kids ass today and money will come to you.
Gemini - Twins or two for one. Seeking Happiness? When was the last time you had a threesome?
Cancer - You moody bitches need to come out of your house. Jack the meds off of someone who has insurance and chill!