Aries - Your too stubborn for your own good. Rub one off in the bathroom at the gas station and you'll find true love.
Taurus - Not only are you a bull, but a bully. Let your true self be free. Kick some rich kids ass today and money will come to you.
Gemini - Twins or two for one. Seeking Happiness? When was the last time you had a threesome?
Cancer - You moody bitches need to come out of your house. Jack the meds off of someone who has insurance and chill!
Leo - Leo is the Lion and Lions love to lick. Feeling a little low on energy this week? Treat yourself and someone you love to a little vagina-tarian tonight.
Virgo - The virgin, never gets laid. So power up that vibe and just pretend its the hot bartender with the accent.
Libra - Libra its your week to shine. With the Mercury entering Libra it's time to streak them streets and show the city just how balanced your assets are.
Scorpio - Scorpio having a little trouble keeping your stinger between your legs? Nothing better than a Pisces when it comes to a good poke.
Sagittarius - The archer, you've been lax these last couple of weeks. Someone should have told you, that was too much lube!
Pisces - Douche! Douche! A little vinegar and a whole lot of water. Nobody wants it when it smells fishy. The winds are not with you this week, my friend.