The Santa Ramona Chronicles

Local News & Events

August 31, 2018

This Tuesday evening, a box was found sitting on the steps of the Santa Ramona Valley Chronicle.  The box was wrapped like a present in white paper with a bright red ribbon. 

Inside the box was a severed right human hand. 

Anyone with information is asked to contact the Santa Ramona Valley Police Department.  

August 29, 2018

Welcome to the first of our weekly quick wrap ups of the parties and social gossip which abound in Santa Ramona Valley each weekend. 

Feel free to drop pictures, ideas and reviews of the social events you attend just in case we couldn't make it in the door.  If you are planning an event we should know about be sure to drop us a line at the newspaper offices.  

This weekend saw a grand openings and pairing celebration.  The first was the opening of Just Dance.  The exclusive, invite only, event was held Saturday evening at the new Pole Dance Studio located on High Street. 

Guests dressed to impress before walking the red carpet into the studio.  According to the available materials the studio will offer classes for all levels of fitness along with a juice bar.

Next was the Wine and Dine at the Reel Club on Sunday afternoon. 

This event paired the high end seafood restaurant's food with The Grapevine's choice vintage wine pairings. Local celebrities; Chief of Poli...

August 22, 2018

With the new mayor in office, many transitions could be coming to Santa Ramona Valley. The citizens are waiting to find out whether these changes they will benefit or hinder their current lifestyles.

However, the city’s real estate is not waiting. Construction projects are being pushed to the forefront on several local builds. The largest and most expensive of which considers a full re-model of Santa Ramona General Hospital.

"The cost of the hospital build was subsidized by the state due to the fact the infrastructure of the previous build needed serious modernization, the cost of repairs would have cost as much as a new hospital." Governor Jay Stone said when asked on the reasons for the update.

Locally-owned Rousseau’s Construction Company is taking on the Goliath project with expectations of completion by October of this year.

"[We’re] really proud to rebuild Santa Ramona General Hospital, a medical establishment that serves the community well and which employs top medical staff....

August 18, 2018

On Friday nights most folks head to Wolfe's Tavern to relax and shake off the weekend. 

That relaxation was shattered this Friday, as Gia [Milenko] Castle walked in carrying a gun.  She was wearing only blood splattered bra and panties. 

Castle was disarmed by her sister, Rhi Aquila. However, before police could respond, Castle assaulted multiple patrons. At one point, throwing a chair. 

Castle's husband also arrived and attempted to subdue her only to end with deep gouges on his face.

Responding officer, Chief of Police, Sarina Jade was forced to taze Castle to protect the rest of the bar's patrons.  

Castle was transported to SRV Hospital for treatment.  At the time of publication the source of the blood covering Castle is unknown. 

August 16, 2018

On August 10th voters in Santa Ramona Valley passed by a 60% an initiative to transform the volunteer fire department into a mixed paid/volunteer department. 

"The department is converting into a combination department, in which some staff will fill paid positions and we will also be keeping volunteer positions. My staff were given the option of filling the paid positions but I do have a few that will be remaining volunteer." said Chief Morpork. 

The department will also take over the running of the Emergency Medical Services.  “EMTs are restricted to paid positions, while people would be able to volunteer as fire fighters if they wanted. We also have a number of civilian positions that are paid, for the overall support and operation of the department."

One of the major selling points of an all paid department was a decrease in response time.  The paid staff members would already be at the station when an alarm came in.  As volunteers they would get the alarm and have to leave their other...

August 11, 2018

The people of Santa Ramona Valley have decided on our new mayor: Aria de Saragosa.

The Mexico-native held 40% of the majority vote to win the public election. Candidate Ren Aquila came in second and Candidate Jackson, the dog, followed in a strong third place showing.

"It's a wonderful feeling. I wasn't sure that the people were ready for the type of change that I intend on bringing them, but now I know that they are." De Saragosa said when asked of her initial feelings upon winning the Mayoral race.

De Saragosa will take office officially today upon appointment. She plans to get to work immediately for the citizens, "Free tequila for all citizens! Kidding! The first thing I'm going to do is move into my office at City Hall, open the door, and invite whoever wants to talk. Then I'll have a much better idea what the people want from me."

New Mayor Aria de Saragosa will hold office until November 11, 2018.

August 7, 2018

Maris Patel plans to bring her adventurous lifestyle, along with some major shifts in ideals to the race for Mayor of Santa Ramona Valley coming Wednesday, August 8.

Patel, an India native, spent most of her childhood in London, England and has hence lived in Australia, Dublin and many more countries. She is well-traveled and far from a settled life, “I'm more suited for an exciting life than a stable one. A stable life would just make me unhappy.”

In tandem with the longing for adventure, Patel is not shy of change; promoting some radical shifts to the everyday life of Santa Ramona citizens, “I want to bring left-wing politics and socialism, and some elements of communism, to the core and to be normalized within society.” Patel said, stressing, “if I do get elected mayor, there will be some big changes to happen around town.”

When asked specifics on how Patel plans to steer the city toward a socialist one, she said she would start with, "A 50% corporation tax on the biggest 15% of...

August 6, 2018

Aria de Saragosa is no stranger to our paper’s headlines as of late. But on Wednesday, August 8, it will be no day in court that she faces, but the city’s majority vote in race for Mayor of Santa Ramona Valley.

“I'm tired to seeing people suffer.” De Saragosa said, quick to stand at the people’s side and urge changes to come should she be elected Mayor, “We can do better. We will march for $15 wage. We will march for equality. Free medicare for all. Equal treatment. Fair policing. These are the changes."

De Saragosa is no stranger to a city of changes and turmoil, hailing from Chiapas, Mexico, known to some as XXX. De Saragosa explained her hometown, where some of her family still resides, as both beautiful and dangerous, “It is understandable why someone who live[s] there might want to come to Estados Unidos. Life is better here. Safer."

De Saragosa’s goal has always been to create a new start in America, a place that has given her so much in the way of opportunity and progress. Sh...

August 6, 2018

Ren Aquila brings a calm and confident resolve, plus a whole lot of charm to the race for Mayor of Santa Ramona Valley coming Wednesday, August 8.

Hailing from New York City, Aquila currently serves as a private practice defense attorney in SRV. He has been known to argue on behalf of the accused in some of the biggest court trials the city has seen. This includes the defense of Theo Courvoisier, charged on multiple counts of kidnapping, rape, torture and assault. Courvoisier is currently escaped from SRPD and at large.

Aquila assures he is no Marsha Clarke though, “High paid snobs that try to get murderers off the hook. That's never how I saw it. It was giving people a chance to prove their innocence or finding a way to work within the system to get people the help they needed.”

Aquila is no stranger to political office but has grown up within a a household immersed in office positions on both sides of his family. His father was a sitting judge for more than twenty years and curren...

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