THE sANTA rAMONA cHRONICLES

The Santa Ramona Chronicles

Local News & Events

June 20, 2018

In an event that might as well have been a printed press release, Santa Ramona ADA Aquilah Rau held a press conference on the steps of City Hall at midday on Saturday 16th June 2018. Speaking on the upcoming Courvoisier trial, the ADA reiterated the charges outlined during the arraignment several weeks ago, providing little additional information save for the defendant having been found mentally fit to stand trial and that the state believed a conviction to be likely.

Delivering a statement rife with platitudes about the pursuit of justice being the ultimate recourse to public safety, ADA Rau failed to offer any true reassurance of the City's future regard for the right of the public to be informed about what is taking place in their community in order to safeguard themselves and their loved ones. Instead, media and the public alike were treated to a mere conflation of public safety with commitment to the justice system - two things which do not necessarily correlate even on the best of...

June 16, 2018

The SRPD is asking that the public be on the lookout for an dangerous individual wanted for a string of crimes. This person is considered highly dangerous and civillians are advised against approaching on their own. Anyone with information about his whereabouts ought contact the police immediately.

June 12, 2018

 After a delayed start to proceedings, Theo Courvoisier was arraigned on June 3rd, 2018, for a series of crimes reportedly related to occult activities.  The prosecution, headed by ADA Aquilah Rau, has declined to offer a plea bargain due to the nature and number of charges which were read to the court as: three counts of rape, two counts of torture, four counts of kidnapping, four counts of false imprisonment, two counts of battery of a law enforcement officer, two counts of aggravated aassault and two counts of possession of narcotics.

The accused entered a plea of not guilty to all charges, while simultaneously claiming responsibility for the bombing of city hall which cost two law enforcement officials their lives as well as the recent earthquake which caused mass destruction across Santa Ramona Valley. Satan, he declared, was responsible for his actions.
Lieutenant Sarina Jade of the SRPD has however commented to the Chronicles: "At this time, we consider the bombing of the st...

For Immediate Release: 09.06.18

Santa Ramona Fire Department Condemns Smoke Signals

SRV,CA: The SRFD has condemned local cannabis store Smoke Signals as arson investigations continue in the wake of a fire on the evening of Wednesday June 6th, 2018.

The blaze destroyed store inventory and resulted in consequent water and smoke damage to the building. A window broken by firefighters to ventilate the building during the fire remains boarded up days later.

The incident was ruled arson by the Santa Ramona Fire Department and Deputy State Fire Marshal Julianna Morpork, who was on the scene late Wednesday, after officials found traces of a moltov cocktail that was thrown into the store by an unknown individual.

Deputy State Fire Marshal Morpork commented; "The fire at this time looks to be suspicious in nature, evidence has been collected and the investigation into the fire is still ongoing...the damage however was minimal and the building should be able to open shortly..."

Individuals with any inf...

June 8, 2018

Need Cigarettes? Need Beer? Need Condoms? Do you have the munchies and need snacks? Well Tip Top Convenience is under new management.

We are proud to serve the Valley, offering a wide range of products from condoms to beer, coffee and cigarettes, snacks, playing cards, lotto tickets and much, much more!

Let us be your one stop shop, because we are Tip Top

All Santa Ramona Police Officers receive complimentary coffee
And for the next week we wiil be offering a 10% discount on any item in the store to celebrate the new management.

Open 24 hours 7 days a week.

Also we are looking for bright upbeat people to join our team! We offer competitive pay with room for advancement.
Interested parties should contact Asher Rollins (skiz abramovic) or apply at the store.

For Immediate Release: 01.06.18

Santa Ramona Police Department Appeals for Public Assistance

SRV, CA: The SRPD is making an appeal for witnesses to come forward with regards to the bombing incident which took place at City Hall several months ago.

At around about 5pm on Friday April 20th, 2018 a car bomb was detonated outside the Santa Ramona Police Department, housed at City Hall. At least two officers lost their lives and several more where injured in the blast.

The SRPD is now asking for any witnesses who were in the vicinity that day or who might have any information useful to the investigation to come forward and assist the PD in moving towards making arrests.

Informants are encouraged to come into the precinct or to call the non-emergency line for the PD.

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