THE sANTA rAMONA cHRONICLES

The Santa Ramona Chronicles

Local News & Events

May 28, 2018

Earthquake reparations were handled swiftly and effectively by Santa Ramona Valley officials with the assistance of FEMA.  Although some work is still being done at the local university, most citizens have had their businesses and homes restored and all seems to be back in order for the most part, including the area that took the hardest hit.   This side of the city, commonly referred to as "New China Town" may already have graffiti on the faces of many of its new buildings and still has the highest crime rate, but one silver lining to the cloud is the appearance of a new family-owned business, "Rosseau's Construction Company and Supplies Store!  Located on 78 Shady Street, this well-equipped business is currently hiring construction workers, laborers, electricians, and plumbers.  They will also be collaborating with the Dean of SRVU to offer internships to students of engineering and mechanics. 

The owners Alexia and Dimitri 'Trey' Rosseau recently relocated their f...

May 27, 2018


 

Mysterious objects have been appearing around Santa Ramona Valley in recent times, left by an unknown group or individual for unknown reasons. These objects have been seemingly innocuous ranging from electronic tablets, to music boxes, but are hardly harmless. 

As some of these items have proven dangerous, having caused bodily harm to an unconfirmed number of SRV citizens; residents and tourists alike are encouraged to refrain from handling any objects which they might encounter that seem out of place or abandoned. This is especially true for any objects which bear a symbol resembling the Eye of Providence, or the all-seeing eye as it is known colloquially.

This symbol has been associated both with Christianity and with Freemasonry in the past and has become popular with conspiracy theorists. It is meant as a reminder of the omnipresence of a divine power always observing humanity's thoughts and deeds. 

It is yet unknown why a divine symbol has been chosen for association with a series...

May 19, 2018

The Santa Ramona Fire Department has finally started using some of that benefit proceeds money they received a few weeks ago, courtesy of Hotel Cortez. In light of recent natural disasters and a keen look upon the history of California and the unique geological challenges the community of Santa Ramona endures, the disruption of water utilities is a real concern to the leadership inside the Santa Ramona Fire Department.

The Santa Ramona Fire Department has finalized the sale of a 2,500 gallon water tender from the Los Angeles County Fire Department, where SRFD Chief Morpork traveled to inspect the apparatus earlier this week. Completing the sale of $153,000, Chief Morpork took possession of the truck and returned to Santa Ramona this week. Still sporting Los Angeles County's markings, the truck will be repainted in the coming future once availability permits. 

The truck houses a 350 horsepower engine, powering a 1000 gallon per minute pump. The truck features a 2,500 gallon polished alumi...

May 13, 2018

The SRV Chronicles team was back in the field today as FEMA officials provided a guided tour of the severely damaged Santa Ramona University Campus to media personnel. The structural damage to the university buildings is extensive and they have been condemned until further notice. 

FEMA has stepped in to assist city officials with a temporary campus which includes a well equipped library - which will double as a lecture theatre, along with a canteen, and makeshift dormitories. While the facilities are primarily being occupied by the university at this time, they are open to any citizen displaced by the quake. Other locations available to those still seeking shelter are City Hall and the SRV Firehouse.

Students are asked to cooperate with SRVU faculty members and Federal officials as they endeavour to keep everyone safe while still ensuring that the semester begins on time and runs smoothly.Classes are expect to resume on Monday 15th May, 2018 for the Spring Semester.

May 11, 2018

At approximately 10:30 am on the 10th of April,2018, mother nature had her way with Santa Romona Valley as a powerful earthquake rocked the city - perhaps the strongest since the infamous and deadly quake of 1906. Fire Chief Morpork has confirmed that a State of Emergency has been issued for the greater Santa Ramona Valley area.

Business and home owners have expressed concerns about their properties as Chinatown has been evacuated. The landmark neighborhood's structures have been identified by officials as particularly vulnerable to the effects of this type of disaster. FEMA has set up a shelter at City Hall for anyone displaced by this act of God and the Fire Department has also opened the firehouse to those in need of shelter at this time. Safety officials ask that residents of evacuated premises please not venture into their homes in search of loved ones, pets or material possessions.

The Chronicles' team was on location within minutes of the initial quake, where first responders were...

May 1, 2018

At approximately 2:17 pm on April 29th, 2018, it came to the attention of the Santa Ramona Valley Police Department, that a sex doll with various phallic sex toys protruding from all of its orifices had been placed on the steps of the main entrance to Santa Ramona Valley City Hall.  

Several passers-by and observers gawked, stared, and pointed at the rather obscene and colorful arrangment of marital aids.  Some even offered comments and theories about why these things were placed and what the meaning behind it was if any.

With a recent terroristic attack on the same building just 9 days prior, law enforcement and other citizens following current event, cannot rule out the possibility of the two incidents being connected.  

Officer, Jason Briggs who was none to thrilled to find the plastic blonde propped on all fours in the entryway, just as he was just exiting the building at the end of his shift.  Briggs did, however, pausefor a brief interview with the present press, before he would cal...

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