THE sANTA rAMONA cHRONICLES

The Santa Ramona Chronicles

Local News & Events

April 30, 2018

Regal. Dignified. Upscale. Cortez Hotel is not just a hotel for those seeking a place to rest on a long trip. We offer a well appointed event space and event planning services. Baby shower? Bridal Shower? Bachelor party? Wedding Reception? We do it all. Contact Sarina Jade (Madison Munro) at 555-12-3456 to schedule a meeting to make your event the best event in SRV.

April 24, 2018

At Approximately 5:05 pm on Friday April 20th, 2018, an explosion that shook the city would go off at City Hall.  The bulding erupted in flames and several supportive beams that were part of the foundation and erecting the front of the building gave out creating a hazard for those trapped inside.  Many were able to escape unharmed or with minor injuries as first responders were prompt to arrive on the scene.  Unfortunately, several police officers were badly burned and 2 detectives had lost their lives to the blast.  No civilian deaths were reported, however.

Investigations and witnesses as well as live footage of the explosion show that the blast originated from a bomb placed in a police cruiser parked in front of City Hall.  Police Chief, Jay Biafra, at the scene of the crime did not release the names of those injured nor any suspects for who may have set the bomb and why.  

However he did respond to the press present when asked and gave the following quote:

"Well, n...

April 24, 2018

“Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time.” Thomas Merton. 

Generally, art is displayed on the back drop of white walls while buyers sip wine to admire the soft brush strokes upon the canvases, but this past weekend, the citizens of Santa Ramona were privy to a different type of art show that indeed might make one lose themselves and find themselves while posed against the beautiful back drop of our very own California skies with an opening show by the Santa Ramona Cheerleaders. The auction was sponsored by the Hotel Cortez with the Hotel's owner, Sarina Jade, serving as both Hostess and Auctioneer for the physique art of the human body...in the flesh...no less.  

The Artful citizens being sold came attired in many different forms and fashions from the attire of a first responder to formal wear to scantily dress to show off the brush strokes given them by divine intervention, and it was indeed divine to see the contours of the art so amply displayed having mos...

April 19, 2018

Space for rent. Need a spot to host a party, catering event, or perhaps your next board meeting? Creamy Center Cafe has the space needed for such events. Stop by the Cafe or Call Ame Paragorn at 1(661)316-4135

April 19, 2018

And a party it was!!! The City Commissioners and personnel roped off Mission Blvd. down to the courthouse, where contestants in the "Best Taco" competition then decorated individual booths.  There were sombreros, maracas, Mexican and Colombian flags, painted cats and even a Mariachi Band to fill the streets not only with the bright colors but with the sounds and smells to rival any Latino Fiesta!

The contestants were there to show off their talents in making the best tacos in town offering the citizens a wide selection to tempt their taste buds to life with the standard...the exotic...the sizzling hot. No matter your preference in tacos, it was sure to be found at the block party. Hotel Cortez, owner Sarina Jade, offered the citizens a Grilled Drunken Shrimp taco; some say in the hopes that if the citizens didn't like the taste best, they'd perhaps be drunk enough to deem it the winner! Chef Santiago of The Wolf's Tavern created a twist on the owner's, Evelyna Callix, Native American he...

April 7, 2018

On Wednesday, April 4th alarms rang out in the Santa Ramona Fire Department.  At about 6:30 in the evening, a 911 call reported a fire in the local pizzeria on Mission Blvd.  Fire Chief John Morpork and his crew arrived on scene to find a fire in progress.   Working quickly and with the skill and teamwork one would expect of a well oiled machine, the blaze was put out within fifteen minutes. 

According to Chief Morpork the fire was started by a faulty heating lamp and spread to a display of cardboard pizza boxes.  When this reporter caught up with the chief he had only positive things to say about the work of his crew:  

      "I am very proud of our people, they immediately got to work and saved that business. We determined the fire to be accidental, apparently a heat lamp had short circuited and started the fire. The building was turned over to its owner and should be back open before we know it."

Chief Morpork further went on to say that the fire...

April 4, 2018

Barbituates, a commonly used group of sleep inducting drugs, ketamine,  a drug used to maintain anesthesia inducing a trance-like state while providing pain relief, sedation, and memory loss, and LSD, a potent hallucinogenic drug, to name a few! Would be a Woodstock remake perhaps if they had not been fed to the citizens of Santa Ramona via tea and cookies without their permission.

The doctors and staff have been working tirelessly with the inundation of victim's from last Friday's event at Wolfe's tavern. As the victims began reporting their strange symptoms, lapses in memory, and for some much worse, the Santa Ramona Police Department acted quickly in sending each to the hospital to have blood test done immediately and the aforementioned drug cocktail are the most prevalent in the results.  

While no evidences from the party, other than the blood tests and eyewitness reports, have been cited, the consensus seems to be indeed the citizens were poisoned at the Wolfe's Tavern party....

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