THE sANTA rAMONA cHRONICLES

The Santa Ramona Chronicles

Local News & Events

July 8, 2017

FIREWORK DISPLAY AT THE PIER


On July 4th the Santa Ramona Valley Parks and Recreation department held a firework display at the pier. ZigZag Surf Magazine Photographer, Chase Knight was a guest at the display and donated the attached photo to the Santa Ramona Valley Historical Society. This photo will be added to the society's collection 

SANTA RAMONA SOCIAL SERVICES OPENS APPS

With the border sealed by the recent change in federal legislation, the Santa Ramona Valley Board of Social Services has for the first time ever, experienced a surplus in budget. 
The increase in reserves being tauted as proof the Ultra Conservative political movement lead by President Trump works. The surplus has allowed the county to reinstate the $126 monthly stipend for unemployed adults. Each family receiving an additional $86.00 per child. Health Insurance and food stamps are also offered to qualified recipients. For more information visit the Social Services Office at: 7 Grove Avenue, Santa Ramona Valley, C...

July 8, 2017


     

In recent weeks several buildings in the area including both private and government property have been tagged with graffiti symbols from a low level crime organization known as Los Reyes. Police report the Los Reyes gang are merely some juveniles trying to imitate popular media cultures.Anyone having information on the individuals vandalizing the building should call the SVPD tip line at 1-800-Rat-OnMe.

     Prostitution continues to rise with many illegal women turning to the streets as the President's immigration ban keeps the border crossings closed. The homeless women taking shelter around the bus station and pandering commuters has lead to an increase in transit security. Local Conservative party members blame the legalization of marijuana on the increase in prostitution. "Give a girl a fat blunt and she'll suck anything" Said Ms. Nancy Willey, Spokesperson for the Santa Ramona Valley's Republican party.

July 8, 2017

On July 6th at 10pm, a quadruple homicide was committed at the Lock and Load located in Downtown Santa Ramona. The bodies of Missy and Pat Carsigna, owners of the Lock and Load, were found at the crime scene. Two other bodies, were reportedly taken into custody by Santa Ramona Valley Police but have yet to be identified. Witnesses and SRPD officials are saying the murders are a result of a robbery gone bad. The Chronicle was live on the scene, catching photos of the crime scene and spoke with one (NPC) Maria Gualdalupe Ponte Deleon who reported hearing gunshots around closing time that evening. "I was just finishing my shift and got to the bus stop. Behind me I hear BOOm BOOM BOOM! I hide and say the rosary to Saint Julian. Patron Saint of Murderers because I know, someone murdering with that much boom boom." However, the Latino gang known as the 18th street gang, subset: Tiny Locos CLicka is taking credit for the shootings. An informant that spoke for the organization that considers t...

July 4, 2017

  By: RIta Rumor

     A very prominent physician in Santa Ramona is rumored to have an STD. An unidentified Latino man was heard speaking about it rather loudly at one of the July 4th events. The name of the woman was not released but rumor has it, she'd been seen on the arm of some of Santa Ramona's most prominent men.

     Two prostitutes were seen entering Wolfe's Tavern on Saturday night. The Owner Stubbard McCaw was not available for questions but rumor has it Santa Ramona police are watching the establishment.

     Ms. Nancy, the beloved ticket matron who has been collecting train fares for the Santa Ramona express was seen under the influence and in a compromising position with a Chinese Man and a duck. Rumor has it that both the man from China and the duck were wearing large grins when they entered their rail car.

The opinions expressed in this gossip column do not represent the opinions of the Santa Ramona Valley Chronicles. 

July 4, 2017

                                                                                                             SIN-O-SCOPE   

Aries - Your too stubborn for your own good. Rub one off in the bathroom at the gas station and you'll find true love.

Taurus  - Not only are you a bull, but a bully. Let your true self be free. Kick some rich kids ass today and money will come to you.

Gemini - Twins or two for one. Seeking Happiness? When was the last time you had a threesome?

Cancer - You moody bitches need to come out of your house. Jack the meds off of someone who has insurance and chill!

Leo - Leo is the Lion and Lions love to lick. Feeling a little low on energy this week? Treat yourself and someone you love to a little v...

July 4, 2017

GRATEFUL MEDS SPONSORS BEACH PARTY
By Lily White

July 2, 2017 - Newly Established business Grateful Meds, a Marijuana Dispensary, hosted a beach party at Santa Ramona's Nude Beach this weekend. Owner of Grateful Meds, Gage Dawson provided hot dogs, hamburgers and drinks to the adult-only party. Mr. Dawson provided various cannabis items ranging from smokable marijuana with chocolate strains to edible marijuana cookie. More than half the entire city joined the event causing major traffic delays on Pacific Ave. Grateful Meds is located at 45 Mission Blvd.. Their hours of operation are M-F 11am-7pm  Saturdays and Sundays 2pm-2am.

HARE RAMA DEN FOR HARE CURRY OPENS

Where does a reader go when they need a really hot curry?
Why,  Hare Rama's Den for a Hare Curry., of course!
To celebrate the opening of her new take out restaurant, the owner, Ms. Zoer Herriot, offered new customers a "The Boys from The Dwarf" trading card. The Boys from the Dwarf trading cards are a certified Trade Mark of Hare...

July 4, 2017

With California Marijuana laws still under heavy debate in the State Senate, last night's Beach Blast sponsored by Grateful Meds gave plenty of Anti-420'ers much to talk about. The recently established marijuana dispensary hosted a party on Santa Ramona's nude beach attracting a wave of criminal activity and crippling the city's holiday traffic flow.

Eye witness report a prostitution ring known as The Lemondrops were in attendance at the event and engaging in lewd acts on the public beach. The head of the ring is believed to be known as "Mary". Undisclosed sources say the Lemondrop ring may have international ties in the human sex trafficking industry. "And a bunch of them Mexicans" Said Ms. Bea Wells, NPC and President of the Santa Ramona Historical society said "And not the good ones who make your bed the right way. These were the evil type. Though one of them was going to eat Sausage, the dog."

     Animal Rights Activist were also up in arms when a small dog known as Sausage was fed...

July 4, 2017

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