The Santa Ramona Chronicles

Local News & Events

October 7, 2018

Santa Ramona Valley is a hotbed of entertainment possibilities.  Here are some excerpts from this last week. 

Pizza and a Pool

Did you know you can get free pizza any Tuesday night?  That's right.  Every Tuesday night Tito's Pizza sponsors a pizza night.  The location changes, but the pizza and the good times are a regular thing.  This week Tito's Tuesday was at the recently opened SRV Community Pool.  While the event was sparsely attended everyone had a great time.  The veggie pizza was loaded and delicious.  The other styles were going just as fast.  According to Jordan, the owner of the local Tito's Pizza, the event will be at the pool again this week.

Creative Clothing

Friday night patrons at Wolfe's Tavern were showing off their creativity with the "Anything But Clothes" [ABC] theme.  There were newspaper dresses, what we hope was de-thorned rose vines, ribbons, cardboard and lots of pumpkins.  DJ Cas had the party hopping, while the bar had a s...

September 16, 2018

Did you know Santa Ramona Valley has its own modeling agency?  Paramount Modeling Company is located at 31 Pacific Ave.  The agency, run by Catori Bennett, currently has a dozen models; male and female.  

The agency provides not only models  but "professional guests at events" says Ms Bennett. "We go to parties and hang out mingle with guests and make people feel comfortable and welcomed." 

Paramount Modeling is currently seeking clients, individuals and businesses looking to utilize the best Santa Ramona Valley has to offer in advertising their business.

The agency can handle print, radio and video advertising.  They are hoping to expand into live shows for the right clients. 

With models named Scarlet, Sari and Nathalia... Paramount Modeling Company has someone to fit everyone's needs.

September 11, 2018

With the start of a new school year comes a good time to remind citizens the importance of personal safety.  The Santa Ramona Police department recommends the following:

  • Be aware of your surroundings.  You wouldn’t text and drive so don’t text and walk.  Having your head down over a phone signals would be attackers you aren’t paying attention.

  • Travel in groups.  Most predators will go for the lone creature away from the herd, criminals are much the same.  There is safety in numbers.

  • Walk in the light.  A dark alley short cut may save you time but at the cost of your life potentially.  It’s better to be late than dead.

  • When in doubt, scream it out.  If you feel threatened don’t stay silent about it.  It’s better to be embarrassed about making a fuss over nothing than being a quiet corpse.

  • Don't accept drinks from someone when you go out. If you have to leave your table, don't drink from the glass you left behind. Order a new drink...

September 11, 2018

Evelyn Stone, the District Attorney for Santa Ramona Valley had cleared tonight's court docket for one, and only one hearing. 

"The prosecution has nothing. The docket was cleared for Aria de Saragosa to continue her case yet again and against the state's recommendation, it was sanctioned by judge Justice. And now the mayor has decided to escape to Mexico and leave her responsibility to this city and her charges."  DA Stone said.

The courts decided to flag Mayor de Saragosa's records and will pursue a bench warrant if she is spotted in the area. 

"I feel like we will flag her file and if she shows back up in town, seek action at that time. She has certainly wasted enough of the taxpayers money." DA Stone continued, "I can give you a run down of the multiple charges against our Mayor if you'd like?

"Intimidation, threats, assault, robbery... I think the DUI was settled, so we can glaze over that" finished DA Stone. 

A scan of the official records found at least one open felony robbery, one a...

September 8, 2018

How are the British Museum, the Aztec Empire and Santa Ramona Valley tied together? 

Possibly by a missing $600,000 theft.  

On June 17, 2018 a traveling exhibit from the British Museum as robbed in New York.  One of the items taken was a ancient coatl called the Jaded Serpant. 

"The Coatl is an Aztec soldier's ceremonial breastplate. It has two heads that are tied up by a tail" according to Eduardo Ignacio Suarez Romero, a member of the Obsidian Serpents.  "The Obsidian Serpents are descended from Aztecs, both genetically and culturally."  

The small (8 inch x 17 inch x 2 inch)  "is made of cedro wood and covered with mosaic made of turquoise and red thorny oyster shell."  Mr. Romero believe that the thief fled New York and is currently hiding in Santa Ramona Valley.  

Mr. Romero is the same person who is rumored to have started shooting at the Hotel Cortez sign last weekend because it celebrated the man who conquered the Az...

September 3, 2018

On Saturday, August 11th a hooded figure stalked a young woman through town.  When the pair reached the vacant parking spots across from the church the hooded figure attacked. 

The attacker, known as the Chaos Killer, tried to jab the woman with a needle.  The victim used her camera flash as a distraction but it was sheer luck that the attacker stumbled.  The fact that heroin would be found in the attacker's system probably helped that stumble, giving the victim a chance to fight back. 

The Chaos Killer grabbed the woman's hair, coming at her with a knife. "Ended up with three stitches but one of my swings connected and I pushed.  He let go of my hair when he fell backwards.  I took off running and screaming.” Said the victim.

Her screams alerted Santa Ramona Police Chief, Sarina Jade, who arrested the hooded figure. 

The three stitches the young woman received were nothing compared to what had happened to the Chaos Killer’s previous victi...

September 3, 2018

As the search for Theo Courvoisier continues police have decided to offer a $20,000 reward for viable information that leads to the apprehension of the man, accused of kidnapping and torturing multiple Santa Ramona citizens. 

Courvoisier escaped custody during his trial after the judge ordered a courtroom window open.  The air conditioning had gone out in the courtroom and the judge was sweating. 

Chief of Police, Sarina Jade, relayed the wanted posters all over town have been ineffectual.  "They were getting vandalized which leads me to believe he's still in the area." 

Cheif Jade believes that Courvoisier has associates aiding his evasion of the police.  "He's a smart man or he wouldn't have been able to remain free for so long. He should know that we are going to find him." 

Jade added "And his friends should know that our next step, if this doesn't yield results, is to start getting warrants for all his known associates. Unless they want us breathing dow...

September 3, 2018

Today marked the grand opening of The Foxhole.  It is Santa Ramona Valley's first LGBTQ bar and dance club. 

The outside brick facade is nothing to really look at but once you pass under the flashing sign be prepared to see it all.  Inside the garishly decorated rooms the waitstaff is wearing the bare minimum but are very attentive.  The drinks served were good and strong.  The club will not serve meals but will have bar snacks available. 

The club colors of purple, teal and dark blue are prominent throughout.  Each represents one of the owners Kido, Gin and Kristian Fox.  The walls are covered with explicit photographs.  The front room is where the bar and dance floor are located.  Behind them, through a set of windowed doors is the 'private' kink area.  Here the walls also have racks of whips, floggers and assorted insert-able devices.

The final area of the club is the most lovely.  A romantic rooftop deck

overlooking the ocean.  T...

August 31, 2018

This Tuesday evening, a box was found sitting on the steps of the Santa Ramona Valley Chronicle.  The box was wrapped like a present in white paper with a bright red ribbon. 

Inside the box was a severed right human hand. 

Anyone with information is asked to contact the Santa Ramona Valley Police Department.  

August 29, 2018

Welcome to the first of our weekly quick wrap ups of the parties and social gossip which abound in Santa Ramona Valley each weekend. 

Feel free to drop pictures, ideas and reviews of the social events you attend just in case we couldn't make it in the door.  If you are planning an event we should know about be sure to drop us a line at the newspaper offices.  

This weekend saw a grand openings and pairing celebration.  The first was the opening of Just Dance.  The exclusive, invite only, event was held Saturday evening at the new Pole Dance Studio located on High Street. 

Guests dressed to impress before walking the red carpet into the studio.  According to the available materials the studio will offer classes for all levels of fitness along with a juice bar.

Next was the Wine and Dine at the Reel Club on Sunday afternoon. 

This event paired the high end seafood restaurant's food with The Grapevine's choice vintage wine pairings. Local celebrities; Chief of Poli...

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