THE sANTA rAMONA cHRONICLES

The Santa Ramona Chronicles

Local News & Events

Give Me a Hand

This Tuesday evening, a box was found sitting on the steps of the Santa Ramona Valley Chronicle. The box was wrapped like a present in white paper with a bright red ribbon. Inside the box was a severed right human hand. Anyone with information is asked to contact the Santa Ramona Valley Police Department.

The Weekend Wrap

Welcome to the first of our weekly quick wrap ups of the parties and social gossip which abound in Santa Ramona Valley each weekend. Feel free to drop pictures, ideas and reviews of the social events you attend just in case we couldn't make it in the door. If you are planning an event we should know about be sure to drop us a line at the newspaper offices. This weekend saw a grand openings and pairing celebration. The first was the opening of Just Dance. The exclusive, invite only, event was held Saturday evening at the new Pole Dance Studio located on High Street. Guests dressed to impress before walking the red carpet into the studio. According to the available materials the stud

Construction Projects Abound in Santa Ramona

With the new mayor in office, many transitions could be coming to Santa Ramona Valley. The citizens are waiting to find out whether these changes they will benefit or hinder their current lifestyles. However, the city’s real estate is not waiting. Construction projects are being pushed to the forefront on several local builds. The largest and most expensive of which considers a full re-model of Santa Ramona General Hospital. "The cost of the hospital build was subsidized by the state due to the fact the infrastructure of the previous build needed serious modernization, the cost of repairs would have cost as much as a new hospital." Governor Jay Stone said when asked on the reasons for th

Crumbling Castle

On Friday nights most folks head to Wolfe's Tavern to relax and shake off the weekend. That relaxation was shattered this Friday, as Gia [Milenko] Castle walked in carrying a gun. She was wearing only blood splattered bra and panties. Castle was disarmed by her sister, Rhi Aquila. However, before police could respond, Castle assaulted multiple patrons. At one point, throwing a chair. Castle's husband also arrived and attempted to subdue her only to end with deep gouges on his face. Responding officer, Chief of Police, Sarina Jade was forced to taze Castle to protect the rest of the bar's patrons. Castle was transported to SRV Hospital for treatment. At the time of publication the source of

Big Changes at the Fire Station

On August 10th voters in Santa Ramona Valley passed by a 60% an initiative to transform the volunteer fire department into a mixed paid/volunteer department. "The department is converting into a combination department, in which some staff will fill paid positions and we will also be keeping volunteer positions. My staff were given the option of filling the paid positions but I do have a few that will be remaining volunteer." said Chief Morpork. The department will also take over the running of the Emergency Medical Services. “EMTs are restricted to paid positions, while people would be able to volunteer as fire fighters if they wanted. We also have a number of civilian positions that are pa

New Mayor Announced!

The people of Santa Ramona Valley have decided on our new mayor: Aria de Saragosa. The Mexico-native held 40% of the majority vote to win the public election. Candidate Ren Aquila came in second and Candidate Jackson, the dog, followed in a strong third place showing. "It's a wonderful feeling. I wasn't sure that the people were ready for the type of change that I intend on bringing them, but now I know that they are." De Saragosa said when asked of her initial feelings upon winning the Mayoral race. De Saragosa will take office officially today upon appointment. She plans to get to work immediately for the citizens, "Free tequila for all citizens! Kidding! The first thing I'm going to

Meet Mayoral Candidate: Maris Patel

Maris Patel plans to bring her adventurous lifestyle, along with some major shifts in ideals to the race for Mayor of Santa Ramona Valley coming Wednesday, August 8. Patel, an India native, spent most of her childhood in London, England and has hence lived in Australia, Dublin and many more countries. She is well-traveled and far from a settled life, “I'm more suited for an exciting life than a stable one. A stable life would just make me unhappy.” In tandem with the longing for adventure, Patel is not shy of change; promoting some radical shifts to the everyday life of Santa Ramona citizens, “I want to bring left-wing politics and socialism, and some elements of communism, to the core a

Meet Mayoral Candidate: Aria de Saragosa

Aria de Saragosa is no stranger to our paper’s headlines as of late. But on Wednesday, August 8, it will be no day in court that she faces, but the city’s majority vote in race for Mayor of Santa Ramona Valley. “I'm tired to seeing people suffer.” De Saragosa said, quick to stand at the people’s side and urge changes to come should she be elected Mayor, “We can do better. We will march for $15 wage. We will march for equality. Free medicare for all. Equal treatment. Fair policing. These are the changes." De Saragosa is no stranger to a city of changes and turmoil, hailing from Chiapas, Mexico, known to some as XXX. De Saragosa explained her hometown, where some of her family still reside

Meet Mayoral Candidate: Ren Aquila

Ren Aquila brings a calm and confident resolve, plus a whole lot of charm to the race for Mayor of Santa Ramona Valley coming Wednesday, August 8. Hailing from New York City, Aquila currently serves as a private practice defense attorney in SRV. He has been known to argue on behalf of the accused in some of the biggest court trials the city has seen. This includes the defense of Theo Courvoisier, charged on multiple counts of kidnapping, rape, torture and assault. Courvoisier is currently escaped from SRPD and at large. Aquila assures he is no Marsha Clarke though, “High paid snobs that try to get murderers off the hook. That's never how I saw it. It was giving people a chance to prove t

De Saragosa Pleads Not Guilty On Felony Charges

The Honorable Judge Gil T. Justice held a special session Tuesday, July 31, to hear the charges and pleas against mayoral candidate, Aria de Saragosa. District Attorney, Evelyna Stone announced the charges brought against De Saragosa, “We have two cases involving the Defendant, Aria de Saragosa. The first set of charges are Assault; Aggravated, Felony, Battery, Aggravated, Felony, Witness/Victim Intimidation, Felony. The second case involved the charges of Disturbing the peace, Misdemeanor and DUI, 1st offense, Misdemeanor." De Saragosa’s defense counsel, Ari Rothstein, entered an Alford’s plea of guilt for the lesser of the crimes, including Disturbing the peace and the Misdemeanor of the